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I've got a lung
disease which came on a few weeks after I met with
Dr Pascotto in April and I don't give a fuck
anymore. This is what Jagdeo did to me. I don't
want sympathy I just want it to be known.
I was about nine. '76. We had moved out of
Wringford Manor because Unity School had very
recently closed down. We were living in Cawsand, a
nearby village by the sea. We'd go up to Wringford
and have satsang a lot. I was totally into satsang
and thought that Rawat was God. I dreampt about him
all the time. My father would put on satasng tapes
of 'Durga Ji' and 'Maharaji' at night so that we
could benefit from it as we fell asleep.
Jagdeo arrived and everyone was very excited
because he was such a high soul, such an important
Mahatma. The whole community felt blessed. One day
soon after he arrived he asked for the premies
children to visit him in his room. Me and my two
brothers Ivan and Josh, two girls and another boy
all went into his room. We were escorted there by a
woman with long hair. I have forgotten her name. He
was dressed in the white robes that they wore then.
He was very nice to us at first and showed us some
Indian food he'd had brought up. It was on a low
table. His room was at the top of the stairs to the
left and overlooked the swimming pool and the lawn
there. It was a very special room. A Mahatma
room.
He said that he loved being with children so
much because they were pure and that he missed his
own children in India. We felt sorry for him. He
asked us a few inane questions, what our names
were, how old we were, if we wanted to get
Knowledge. We all said yes of course. I was
especially keen. I was the oldest. The youngest was
about five years old. Then he told us that he
wanted to play a special game with us all and we
had to lie on the floor in a circle and he would
stand in the middle. So we did. You don't argue
with a Holy Man when you are a child in a cult.
Then he went from child to child and rubbed
himself up against us. This became more frenetic.
He told us that we weren't allowed to look at what
he was doing. That we had to shut out eyes. When he
got to me he had an erection. He squashed it onto
me and I feel suffocated and scared. He was
breathing quite heavily. The five year old girl was
nearest the door. He really got stuck into her.
Both my brother Ivan and I saw this. There was a
struggle. As Ivan said years later, 'something very
heavy went down in that room'. I asked him how he
felt after it and he said he was much more
withdrawn after that.
Jagdeo then got up and stood in the middle of
the room again. This time, he told us, we had to
ask him to squash us. That was the new game.
Several of the others asked him to squash them but
he ignored them and focused on me. He told me to
ask loudly so I did. I felt very freaked out by
this. He got down on me again and really started
groping and rubbing himself. Then he got up and
told the others to leave the room. I had to stay on
the floor.
I will never forget the feelings I had when they
all left. It was pure terror but I felt totally
helpless.
After they left he told me to take off all my
clothes because they were Mind. I said I was shy
and he told me to do it again so I did. Then he
made me lie down and he raped me. He put his hand
over my mouth to stop me screaming. There was a
photo of Rawat on the wall opposite me and at some
point I just prayed so hard for protection that I
left my body and went into the photo. I fragmented.
I dissociated. I got out of my body and my mind
splintered. Someone knocked on the door to see if
everything was alright and he told her to go away.
I wished she'd opened the door. I remember feeling
as though I was being stuffed and suffocated and a
horrible smell. But worst of all were his eyes. One
of his eyes was much smaller than the other. He was
like a real monster. I don't really remember much
else, how I dressed or how I got home. I went into
myself.
The next day he asked to see me again, I was
really terrified. He said he was going to teach me
how to play chess. He would be the white ones and I
would be the black ones. Because I was Mind and he
was at one with Maharaji. He told me that he would
always win because he was on Maharaji's side. How
true. I was scared of him. I asked to go to the
toilet and I was shaking and sweating. My hands
were sweating and I just kept of praying to
Maharaji for protection. When I came back I saw
some premies sitting on the lawn down below the
window and I wanted to shout to them for help but I
knew that they wouldn't understand what it was that
I wanted to say. I hardly knew myself. I just
wanted to get away. The same thing happend as
before, just like it did after the others had left.
I don't think I put up much of a struggle.
I told my brother and he tried to tell my Mum.
It was in the parking lot outside the house. I'd
whispered to him in the car that Jagdeo was creepy.
I didn't know how to speak it. We thought that
babies came from stalks. She didn't hear what he
said because it was a difficult thing to hear about
a Mahatma.
After that I started getting nightmares. They
were so bad that I would punch the wall next to my
bed in the night so hard that I would wake up with
bleeding knuckles. I screamed so loudly that I
would wake up with a sore throat. I had nightmares
about a smooth long thing. I think I was sick for a
while. I was full of terror and turned to
'Maharaji' for comfort.I developed an imaginary
relationship with him. he could hear my every
thought, see everything I did, he was the whole
world, every leaf on every tree. He was a seagull
flying above me. If anything nice ever happened to
me it was By His Grace. If anything bad ever
happened to me it was By His Grace. My parents
eventually got a bit annoyed about the nightmares.
They'd tell me to shut up. I'd wake them up. I
screamed out night after night and for years later
well into my 20s 'Stop it! Go away!'
My teachers at the primary school were decent
people. They were concerned that we were all in a
cult. We eat at a separate table, called the
'vegetarian table'. The headmaster Mr Bridge asked
me questions about the cult. He gave me a lot of
support and encouraged me to do well. We were all
totally cult children, especially me. I was a
fanatic. I'd tell kids at the school that my real
father had lots of cars and planes. That he was
very rich and was going to spread peace to the
world. Most of them thought we were freaks. We
moved to another village where most of the premies
lived. I went to satsang as much as possible. I was
always the one my parents took to festivals. I was
a very pure devotee and all I wanted to do was get
Knowledge and be an iniator. I got Knowledge when I
was 13. I meditated for an hour before school, on
the school bus, I organised satasng with the others
premie kids at school, I had photso fo GMJ on my
books, I meditated for an hour at night.
When Elan Vital flew me to Brisbane via a gold
Amex card of Tim Galways I was told I couldn't go
to the Event or see anyone except Dr Pascotto. They
refused to return my phone calls. Rawat was of
course just too busey.
When I got Knowledge my parents gave me a card
with a picture of a monster on it. Inside they
wrote 'Mr Mind won't get you now! This is your true
Birthday!' I celebrated it as such. My bedroom was
full of photos of GMJ and I had a large alter. I
collected things from people in the village to do
fundraising for GMJ. I made blacberry jam and other
stuff so I could give M money. My mother made his
children toys. I secretly wanted to marry Hansi
even though he was a bit younger than me. It was as
though they were the Royal family and we were the
peasants, greateful if a mere old sock from his
foot found itself into what GMJ once referred to in
a 80s satang as the premies'rat holes'.
But I locked my room at night and I had
nightmares and I hated my body with a passion and
pretty soon I was bulimic. I've tried to kill
myself several times. I've wrecked by body. I'm now
chronically ill. The abuse doesn't stop when the
abuser stops touching you. It lingers and infects
you. You internalise it. My mind was warped by the
heavy indocrination.
I'm going to tell you of what I know that he did
to another girl in America. Someone who has never
posted here and never will. I hope that she
understands why I have done this and forgives me.
Jagdeo made this lost 12 year old dance for him
naked. He told her to take off her clothes because
they were Mind. He took her into his bed.
He is sick and the cult that let this happen is
sick.
For the last couple of years I have had dreams
about being locked in a room I can't escsape. It's
the room at Wringford. As I wrote all of this and
spoke out and tried to deal with it I had these
dreams. In the first one I was standing outside the
door and another part of me was behind the door,
shaking it, and pushing it and screaming to get
out. Her anger scared me. I didn't want her to get
out. In the next dream I was moving towards the
door. Then I was right near it. I had a key in
another dream. Then I had the key in the lock and I
was turning it. The last dream I had was amazing.
The door was gone ( or so I thought) and I was
standing outside somewhere full of light. I tried
to move forward but then I saw that there was a
glass door in front of me blocking the way. How can
I get through this door I asked and a voice said
'Do I really have to spell it out for you?' I said
'yes'. And an invisible finger traced the black
letters of CONSCIENCE. For me that means speaking
out and telling the truth. It is the only way of
getting out of that room.
I hope all who are locked into the Maharaji cult
escape too.
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