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Here's why: Some
frogs just DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE SECURITY OF
THEIR WELL. They are petrified of the unknown -
even when told that there is an incredible ocean
topside, a short distance from their well, that is
millions of times bigger and better than their
stupid little well. Exes are risk-takers...and they
have loads of courage. Not everyone does.
---
If you'll bear with me, I'd like to expand on
the Frog in the Well versus the Frog and the Ocean
a bit further.
Until I learned about and started reading the
EPO website, I loved M deeply. I won't say I
attributed everything nice that happened to me to
him, but I did think of him a lot and actually gave
him credit (as in silently praying: 'thank you M'
to myself) for a lot of it. I really and truly
believed he was controlling my experiences, what
premies used to call lilas. Several local
Minneapolis premies, if they are honest about it,
can attest to my love and devotion for him. I
attended many festivals back in the 70's, including
Guru Puja '73 in London and Hans Jayanti '77 in
Rome. I used to keep a little 2 inch by 3 inch
color photo of him in his Krishna crown in my
wallet. I blew it up to 8 inch by 11 inches and
personally hand-delivered about 8 or 9 copies to
some of the more active Minneapolis premies. I
composed some pretty good devotional poems and
prose sayings of my own out of my own inspiration
and devotion and handed or mailed these out to many
people. And, while my practical, conservative side
kept me from diverting precious retirement money to
travelling to M's programs, I regularly attended
video programs, supported Mpls Resources, practiced
K (well, at least Holy Name) and maintained a very
tight and $upportive friendship with a local premie
whose name I won't mention here. Quite frankly, it
was the devotion of this premie for M that kept me
from exing early, I'm sure of it. Anyone who knew
me knew that I loved M and K back then, very
much.
Then, by accident, really, I happened to learn
about EPO (from a premie) and I tuned in to it.
Because I had lived in many other communities
besides Minneapolis, most notably Toronto and
Denver, I recognized the names of a number of the
individuals (most notably Dettmers and Mishler) who
had done major revelations. I had no reason to
doubt their veracity. What they and others said was
absolutely horrifying and shocking to me. After I
recovered from the initial shock, I grew very angry
that the whole thing I had involved myself in had
been nothing more than an evil con game to
mind-fuck me into giving M my money to make him
rich and allow him to be worshipped like God. In
short, a cult. It made me very very VERY angry. At
M. Not at the vast majority of his premie victims.
At M - and to a lesser extent, to a few of his
closest PAM's who, it sounded like, knew better but
stuck around anyway to bask in the trickledown of
his stolen wealth. The phrase: 'hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned' aint nothin compared to the
fury (and, dare I say, rage) felt by former premies
who realize how M has taken them for a ride, a very
greedy and cruel brainwashing ride. Now this is
coming from me, a married person, who never even
made the total commitment that those who joined the
ashram did. I can't imagine how incredibly ANGRY,
REALLY REALLY ANGRY they must feel. They must be
absolutely FURIOUS! Especially those like Marianne
who were prevented from visiting their families
during extremely stressful, family emergency
situations. I mean, I can't imagine how incredibly
hurt and angry they must be or have been.
It is this kind of hurt, anger and bitter
resentment that has fueled those of us who have
exed, those of us who have made a complete break
with M and his followers (both the vast majority of
(relatively innocent, unsuspecting) Hitler Jugen
premies whose devotion I respect and for whom I
have compassion and the tiny minority of
EPO-hacking, SS-Pseudo premies who I despise nearly
as much as M) who choose to ignore (or even attack)
EPO and to continue worshipping M like God. It is
this anger that I have noticed on EPO and that I
too have indulged in. These people were hurt very
very badly. They have a right to be angry. And
thank God we live in a country that gives them the
legal right to express their anger without fear of
retribution or persecution by government or some
other corporate entity. They are in various stages
of trying to recover from M. They are going through
a healing process to regain a sense of reality and
wholeness to themselves that is not based upon M,
his lies, and his cult. They are progressing as
best as they can and the thing I've come to learn
about progress is that it is not always a pretty
sight. Something old has to be sacrificed, has to
give to make way for something new. (Not exactly an
original or profound idea - we've heard it before
as: two things cannot occupy the same space at the
same time).
The significance of all of this has a profound
and unavoidable implication for myself. I have
found during a personal interaction with my dear
premie friend (who I still love dearly) after I
exed that, since I had exed, the basis that had
brought us together: mutual love for and devotion
to M is gone. The premie felt hurt by my disdain
(perhaps even hatred) of M and I felt estranged,
weird, extremely awkward (as in: I do not belong
here anymore) while in the presence of the premie.
Both of us knew how the other felt. We did not
argue with each other. We loved each other (then
and still, I'm sure) but we were both aware that,
under the circumstances, given what we knew about
each other's feelings toward M, and given the
emotional investment of nearly 30 years each of us
had made in him, that there just was no point in
seeing each other any more. It was just too painful
for both of us. I want to emphasize that I don't
criticize the premie for his/her beliefs in M and
I'm sure the premie probably feels great sadness
that we can no longer share the closeness we once
did. I respect the premie's right to follow his/her
heart and I'm sure he/she feels the same towards
me. But the fact remains that the pain we felt
during our last visit together made it unmistakenly
clear that we were on VASTLY different paths now
and there just was no point seeing each other again
under the current circumstances. It is sad, but,
hey, that's the way it is. I can't change that. We
are both following our hearts but in different
directions.
I'm mentioning all of this because I get the
impression that some people in various stages of
exing harbor some residual anger (or at least
resentment) against the exes who have posted on EPO
for the remarks that some have made about premies.
Using myself as an example, I just got done saying
that I felt that some premies are afraid of leaving
their well of M/K/EV/premie community security to
even check out the possibility that there might be
a liberating EPO ocean out there. (This is a new
take on an old story by M from the early 70's. M
used it to illustrate the difficulty in convincing
non-premies towards becoming premies. I used it
here to illustrate the difficulty premies may have
from becoming ex-premies.) I get the impression
that some may be taking my newly applied analogy as
a criticism of the premies, especially where they
still wish to maintain friendship with them. I am
not attacking any premie's sincerity. I KNOW they
mean well. I do. I've been there. I know what it's
like. I'm not attacking them. But, based upon the
personal growth many (I won't include myself yet
because I'm still new at this) have undergone since
exing, I can see from studying their posts that
exes have come to understand how evil, how
restrictive, how insidious and how pervasive M's
brainwashing was on them and others still trying to
emerge from his evil grip.
For myself, I have come to realize that I can't
have it both ways: being a premie and being a
non-premie at the same time, nor do I want to. I
know from my own experience that it can't be done.
The chasm between believing in M and seeing through
his lies is just way too vast a gorge to bridge by
pretending that one side doesn't matter when
dealing with the other side. In order to have a
sense of personal integrity (being true to yourself
and making, taking a stand as to what your values
are), I don't see how anyone can expect to
successfully play both sides, to ride the fence, as
it were. I had to decide what I could and couldn't
live with. (And, believe me, that was not easy,
because, as diminished as the local community of
premies was from the heyday of the 70's, it still
represented my major source of social interaction.
I am now in the process of building a whole new
one.) For me, it became clear by Dec 9 of last year
that that meant dumping M and all the lies and
abominableness he represented. So, that's my
attitude and the way I feel towards (non-SS-type)
premies: with sadness but also compassion for their
unrecognized suffering. And, I respect and will
defend to the death, if necessary, their right to
follow their hearts.
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