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Elan Vital
inadvertantly sent me to EPO. I was on First Class,
checking in to see what needed doing, and came
across a blurb that said if anyone needed
counseling from the disruption at the Mainz (sp)
program, they should call said number and talk with
instructors.
Well, that put a big question in my curious
brain and so I went looking to find out what could
have possibly happened that people would need
counseling. No where on the net could I find
anything so I ended up here and found it being
discussed on the Forum. I started reading the EPO
site and got my socks blown off.
I would check in to see what ya all were
discussing and I remember feeling like I wanted to
say something, but didn't dare. I just wanted to
talk but I didn't even know what to say, how to say
it or if I could say anything at all. The more days
that went by and I kept logging on to the Forum,
the more amazed I was that people were actually so
open. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and got
brave, jumped in and honestly it felt like I had
hit a button to detenate myself when I actually
posted. It was terrifying.
That posting was so very hard. You all were
seasoned, had been through this rocky journey, were
rock solid in your convictions, and here I was,
this nearly 30 year pwk that was dutifully living
the life and times of Maharaji's World. For those
of you that weren't there, that was a big buzz word
at a Long Beach event.....the world of knowledge.
There's this world but then there's the other
world, the world of knowledge.......
For me, it was like jumping into a blender and
having someone hit frappe. I can't explain what
it's like to one day be a Erika whats her name and
the next, sitting bug eyed at the comp feeling like
calling 911 to bring a straight jacket, and take me
where? Where the hell does one go to recover,
recapture, reorganize a life that flew out the
window in less than a blink of an eye?
I couldn't call my best friends who had watched
me join up way back when and thought I'd lost all
my marbles.
I couldn't call up my parents who had watched me
march off to every corner of the world to see M,
join an ashram and leave behind everything that had
ever meant anything to me.
I couldn't tell my husband that the greatest
thing in my life, which I introduced him to, was a
big scam.
I couldn't tell my children, who I had spoon fed
on knowledge and now wanted knowledge for
themselves, that it was all possibly one big
lie.
I couldn't call up the premies I have spent
these years with and blow their world up along with
mine.
I couldn't put an APB out over First Class and
ask for clarification, well maybe I should
have.
The point is, as my world was falling apart, I
really had no where to turn but here. Honestly.
Finding a psychiatrist and to even start to go
into this was too much to even contemplate.
Nope, you guys were it. You didn't know you were
it, but you were. Sanity in the face of my
dwindling grip on the most intimate part of my
soul.
Trying to sort through EPO was daunting, but
coming to the Forum was real. You were real people
talking. And as much as I needed the history, I
needed real people at the most fragile time in my
life.
I've been through a lot in my life, a whole lot as
a matter of fact, but not one thing has knocked me
more for a loop than finding out my perfect master,
my living lord, my reason for having a human life
make sense, was a....well you all know what goes
here.
So what would have made it easier for me? I
don't know, something between recent ex's (too
scared to give my real name and email) and the
forum. Although, I feel if people on the forum had
known what my state of being was, they would have
been gentle. But it doesn't help in those first
days to be told it will get better. It's true, but
the feelings are so raw, honestly I just needed
some tlc and chai. That chai thread was one of my
favorites.
My reason for starting this discussion was
because if it is as John says, then it would be
great if we could update just a little to make it
easier for the ones he said want to post but aren't
strong enough yet. I am eternally grateful for
everyone here and for the EPO site.
It would have been a long, long, long lonely road
to try and go it alone.
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