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Hi David A,
I remember your music too. I saw you at Tim
Hain's house a few years back and thought you
played a mean lap steel. It's a good development to
see people posting with their real names and also
being civil to each other. I would like to chat
with you about my experiences (I was involved with
doing music for Maharaji on and off for some
years). I guess we may have some experiences in
common.
I have been interested to talk amongst people on
these forums for some years because I felt that
there was some arrrested development and
disfunctional stuff amongst premies that could be
addressed, even healed by talking. I also have
always felt quite strongly that Maharaji himself
has some clear responsibilty in the way that those
peoples lives panned out, who followed his
recomendations to adopt a certain lifestyle - a
lifestyle which he encouraged us to focus on more
and more - exclusively serving him and surrendering
one's own desires.
I received Knowledge when I was 17 (in '74) and
my life became totally absorbed into following
Maharaji. I actually was a rather good musician
myself at that young age and soon my musical
aspirations naturally transformed into the desire
to play music for M. Basically I used (like
everyone else) to follow M around the world for
many years and soon got the message that he wanted
us to 'surrender our lives' .
I lived in Brighton in the UK in the seventies.
Mike Finch and I started the ashram there, under
the watchful eye of David Smith, Charanand etc. For
me it was an intense ride because I never really
got my youthful desires fullfilled and, although I
put my enthusiasm and good faith into going in the
direction Maharaji recommended, there was an
underlying heartbreak at having to deny the things
in life that I had so much wanted to do -ie (at
that age) play around with girls, get high, play
music and get a band together - be successful etc..
I just had all this stuff coming at me to
surrender, and being sincere and, in truth, quite
intimidated by Maharaji as 'The Master', the
supposed Divine Authority, I felt pressured and
extremely obligated to sacrifice my life to serve
him. This was absolutely irrefutably because of the
tone of Maharaji's satsangs at the time which I was
listening to very, very closely. I heard him be
very clear and demanding about this 'surrender'
stuff. To a sincere young man it was very humbing
and even 'humiliating' if you will. I know I wasn't
getting 'the wrong end of the stick' of Maharaji's
message, because I made a point to try to practice
Knowledge the way he wanted, not, as he would warn,
by ' fitting Knowledge into my life' but rather by
'giving my life to Knowledge - to Him'. That was
his message at that time and the consequences are
still with us and are playing out.
It didn't help that Maharaji appointed guys like
David Smith who personally put the absolute shits
up me and many others about how we should
surrender and give up our own desires etc.- and I
have to say that I consider this was essentially
Maharaji's responsibility because Smith was merely
passing on, with a really heavy vibe, Maharaji's
strict edicts to potential ashram members .
I gave in to this requirement with a trusting
heart for years, living in the ashram and giving up
evrything I loved, which as you can imagine was
itself awrenching sacrifice. Can you believe it,
but Maharaji was quite clear that we should cut
ties with family. For me this was a sad development
because I had a wonderful family and an elderly
father who died whilst I was in the ashram and whom
I rarely saw.
Eventually in about 1980, Barry Evans (who knew
I had been a reasonably good guitar player) was
given the 'service' of getting some 'surrendered'
musicians together and he rescued me from my
distant ashram post (where I was basically
miserable and frustrated) and I did some music with
them in London. Actually it was a weird time but we
had fun being a more loose lot - Danny Ellis, Tim
Hain, Tony Wade, Barry, Paul Mattocks, Lorna, Jim
Gaffney, are a few names that come to mind as being
good friends from that period.
Later the powers that be decided we were having
too much fun for 'ashram' premies and Danny and I
got sent to the most distant God-forsaken ashram to
do penance (Dick Cooper being the guy in charge
then in the UK). Another miserable period ensued
for me then which ended when I was unceremoniously
slung out by the co-ordinator of that particular
ashram. (who had been told to weed out people who
were anything other than totally without their own
agendas and servile.
My widowed mum took me back in and with some
money left to me by my father (who had just died) I
bought an 8-track recording system and started
making inroads into the TV music world. Frankly
ifit hadn't been for this ashram/ surrender debacle
I know that I would have had a much better shot at
making a musical career, although I have to say
that the huge effort I then made , aged 25 in 1981,
to establish an income doing music , has paid off
quite well.
Ironically, after being 'liberated' from the
ashram system my dream of meeting Maharaji came
true. I used to supply Visions with tracks for M's
videos quite often, and I guess for a while I was
sort of flavour of the month for background music.
I met Maharaji on several occasions at Reigate, to
chat with him about synths and stuff, which he was
becoming interested in. Later he came to my house
in Brighton with Peter Dawson, Monica and Mike
Woods who filmed him tinkering with keyboards and
stuff for a clip.
Later I went to LA, rehearsed with Geoff and Kim
et al, and played guitar at Rome, Madrid and some
other places -did some recordiing and stuff. I got
to see quite a lot of Maharaji and his family and
the 'backstage' scenario. I too felt a much more
natural connection with Maharaji and he seemed
friendly enough. I did notice that those around him
were often very tense and uptight in his presence
and that made me uncomfortable. Also I felt that he
did little to discourage this obsequiousness -in
fact I judged that he kind of rather liked it that
way.
I have just found that I have very gradually
backed off from the whole scene and now, with
hindsight, feel that the period of my life spent
being an aspirant and ashram premie was in many
ways, a deeply unhappy and unneccessary experience.
Of course I made many friends and I learned a lot,
as one does in all difficult situations in life
anyway.
Regarding Maharaji's controversial lifestyle -
the reports of his various behaviours that paint
the picture of a Master with feet very much of clay
- I would say this:
For the sake of discerning the truth, I have
gone out of my way to talk with the people who feel
so strongly that they have reported this 'secret'
or supposedly 'private' stuff. Most notably perhaps
I met Michael Dettmers and asked him to explain
himself to me personally over a meal whilst he was
in London. After talking at length with him I could
tell that he was compelled through conscience to
speak out about things that he felt were grave
inconsistencies that Maharaji was responsible for,
that had a damaging effect on people. I
was open to this possibility because I too had
increasingly seen that painful things that had
happened in the past were effectively being swept
under the carpet in the name of 'being positive' ,
ignoring the negativity etc -rather than being
dealt with. I have since got to know Michael quite
well and I believe that his reports about his
experiences with Maharaji are all true and that any
truly concientious premie should examine their
feelings very closely about what these things
really say about their image of who Maharaji is and
what kind of pedestal he be put on.
I personally felt that Maharaji had never
addressed my painful experiences in the ashram, and
that, although a more lenient and 'lighter' chapter
seemed to be the order of the day, I still hurt
badly underneath from what I can only describe as
the 'abuse' that went on and this was somehow being
denied. Having invested so much trust in Maharaji
over the years, to learn that he may not have been
so deserving of such enormous trust and yet had
demanded it and indeed 'inspired it' back then, was
deeply upsetting. Maharaji does not seem to care
that those who really gave up a lot in the past to
follow him, and who probably trusted him a hell of
a lot more than those who nowadays have to give up
very little and are not made to feel guilty about
pursuing their own lives and agendas, have had to
face an enormous blow when their faith has been so
catastrophically tested. Not only does Maharaji not
want to explain why he demanded us to give up so
much but he apparently condones that premies
virtually deny a lot of home truths.
Naturally, even though one has been taught to
ignore doubts, it is hard to do so when one's
better sense and indeed one's heart and conscience
are screaming that one does a reality check on
one's life as a premie. What we see now is a
natural backlash from people who know what actually
went on - who invested a lot and who feel that
Maharaji has not met their trust and commitment
with any kind of the love, care and concern that
one would hope from someone claiming to be inspired
by divine love.
Like you, I developed a personal love for
Maharaji. I have purposely backed away from his
influence because I did not enjoy it any longer. I
feel that this was directly because Maharaji never
addressed the deep hurt I nursed from surrendering
my youth so totally to him in the seventies. It'sd
just down to that. I could have had so much of a
better time. When I see him and his family enjoying
so much the pleasures of the world I cannot help
but remember how my youth was spent often in deep
pain at having to give up friends, family, things
that I loved to do, to spend years - whole weekends
sometimes in endless satsangs - doing menial boring
jobs in places and with people I didn't
particularlyy gel with, crying under my meditation
blanket - confused as to why I had to endure such a
tough test of faith.
Quite honestly, I find that I have been so
relieved to stop being around premies and the whole
scene. If anyone likes it that's fine - but my
experience is that the way it is has stifled the
development of some very sincere beautiful human
beings whom I loved -and I hate to see them
proclaiming to be in touch with Truth and love etc
whilst clearly lacking the guts, conscience or
empathy to see that their 'exclusive' experience
and insight about life is in many ways a blinkered
and narrow one.
If you see Maharaji, would you say hi from me
and add that I think that he would help himself and
a lot of former and current premies by facing up to
these issues and being a bit less remote and vague
about the past . He obviously thinks it's fine to
just abandon people like myself to our doubts
rather than explain himself more - he is more
concerned with spreading 'Knowledge Lite' to a new
generation of people than helping those former
premies who gave up their lives for him and are
having huge difficulty in coming to terms as adults
with what hit them.
If he wants to know why I don't want to be
involved these days it is because I find it hard to
truly trust someone who put me through so much pain
when I was a naive and trusting kid, and who cannot
find it in their heart to so much as offer any
clarity or explanation. It is not good enough just
to be told to not doubt in the face of such
personal experiences.
I'm sorry but I don't believe that what Maharaji
is doing is so wholesome or right. It hurts to have
to make harsh judgements about someone whom one
worshipped and loved for years - but it this is
about moving on and growing - learning -honesty and
integrity. It has to be done.
Regarding meditation and the idea of Masters
etc. I would say that I feel there is an obvious
case for the benefits of teachers who do not abuse
the trust of their pupils and who do not put
themselves 'above' their pupils to the point where
they take on an authoritarian role.
I think that meditation is arguaby a practice
(amongst others) that benefits from some kind of
structure and ecouragement from a teacher or
individuals. I have continued to meditate pretty
much as I was originally shown and can report that
even without associating it in one's mind with
Maharaji -and even nursing some rejection of the
notion of it being anything to do with him -it
still works. There is however a dynamic I fully
admit, whereby in the atmosphere of Satsang and
when one invests trust in the teacher, one is
clearly encouraged to practice more etc. I think
that the degree to which one associates the
experience exclusively with the adopted teacher (in
our case Maharaji) is more to do with wishful
thinking and a learned response than reality.
In my experience it has been very enlightning
and a relief to actually do less meditation and to
reject the subtle pressure and sense of being bound
to practicing that all the promises, vows and
warnings produced. There are other things in life
and I really think that as premies we generally
became so obsessed with the 'high' feelings in
meditation to the point where we often could not
think straight. That we then became vulnerable to
the influence of some a very questionable Guru
system that has it's roots in a medieval society
that ran largely on fear and inequality is
something to learn from not to deny.
Richard's '14 Objections' are a reasonable
collection of issues which anyone with intelligence
and integrity would agree need to be openly
addressed. Otherwise Maharaji and his followers are
always going to be dogged with skeletons in the
cupboard that people with real integrity cannot
simply and selfishly ignore.
Premies often say of people who criticise
Maharaji or who have reported some controversial
thing they witnessed that put them off 'That's not
my experience -so it doesn't matter' . To my mind
this sort of attitude indicates a lack of empathy,
sense of truthfulness and human responsibiliy to
each other, that seems an unfortunate and yet
common trait of premies.
I think that it is telling that whilst premies
have mainly put up websites that refute and deny
the issues 'carte-blanche' without even daring to
look into them, -it is former followers on the
whole who feel compelled to rein in Maharaji's
onward gallup saying 'Hang on a minute, before you
go marching so confidently ahead telling anyone
with a problem to get lost -we think that the next
bunch of people who you woo into trusting you know
that you HAVE a past and some responsibility's
outstanding!'
If these things degenerate into ugly battles and
displays of hatred by premies and exes in equal
measure, then I would say that this reflects
Maharaji's contentment to remain uninvolved. I see
his reluctance to comment with any and take
resposibility as less of a 'Lotus-like' detachment,
but more of a fearful reluctance to be seen as
less-than-perfect- which the process of openly
confronting his more prosaic past and his effect on
others would undoubtedly reveal.
I would like to discuss and talk about these
things with you and others more. I'm afraid that I
may not be able to post for a week or so after
Wednesday but I'll look in when I can.
I sincerely hope that this new forum can prove to
be a postive development towards 'flame-free'
communication.
I would encourage all posters to not be
anonymous since I have found it to be personally
rewarding to be up-front and accountable. I have
taken Knowledge and Maharaji most seriously all my
life and now that I have identified that fear has
long been a factor in the equation of the dynamic
with Maharaji, I am seriously committed to putting
my money where my mouth and kicking out fearful
behaviour for good.
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